My #7 Dates from Hell!

For all of us out there who went or still are going through way too many frogs.

(Video: Egyptian film 'Date with unknown''موعد مع المجهول' starring Omar Al-
Sharif, Samia Gamal, Hala Shawkat, Omar Al-hariri. Directed by Anwar Al-
Shinawi, 1959. Watch it here)

by Zany Delaney

I once read in a book, “If fate doesn’t make you laugh, you just don’t get the joke”. Dear old faithful fate will bring your way dates, some might be wonderful, some will escalate quality, some you will take chances on and some will be garnished with ridiculousness, the most important thing is never lose hope, it might seem that this country has no more fine gentleman to offer but let it surprise you, laugh a long even if you don’t get the joke. I am by nature a hopeless romantic, and after all this time I would still rather go out on dates, rather than sit home asking the everlasting question “Cupid cupid, wherefore art thou?”

#1 Two scoops of vanilla testosterone

He and I had been talking for two days and at that time I was fresh back into the dating scene, I was still searching the mythical amount of good fish left in the sea, or in Jordan’s case, how many fish left in a 2 by 1 fish tank! I thought I had found him, you know, the great white shark, too good to be true. Over 25, tall-er than me, masters degree in God knows what, good phone manners and an eloquent speaker, he had the gentlemen personality to carry off the well groomed beard that left me breathless.

The date was set. It was a wonderful summer night to grab some ice cream in area Abdun, and so we planned on doing. Around 9:30 I was there and so was he, hellos and proper introductions were exchanged, his voice was better than it was on the phone but sadly, his manners were not, I felt humiliated after he looks me up and down and with an order-like way and says “now act like a man, there are people around”, it was not the words themselves that took the air out of my lungs, it was the way they were delivered to me; via bi**h-slap! “Excuse me” I gasped. At this point I was hoping he would say something to save the situation, “oh come on babe, don’t be pissed, look I am a great date, and I promise you tonight will be a night to remember” Like I would ever forget it! “But all I am asking for is try to act straight here, not flamboyant! Man up your attitude, and when we go to my house later you can act as gay as you want” not I can be “myself”, but now he chose to tell me where I can act as gay as I want, as if the world is my stage and I wake up every morning to revise my lines and practice my written down amount of gayness I need to add to today’s act! He then flashes a smile at me with his entire body, thinking his charming physique was wooing me, I then proceeded to direct him to a part of his body where he can shove his macho man insecurities up at, gave him a piece of my mind and stormed away, but of course not before I lit up the imaginary stage, got ready for tonight’s act and told him in all respectful gay-acting grown-woman matter to “Have a good night” and I meant it, but when I said “and oh, I’m a LADY and I don’t go home with a guy on the first date”, that was a big fat white lie.

#2 10 to 2 never

The 27 year old hunk du jour who hailed from one of our lovely gulf countries had set a coffee date with me after one month of talking to me on my now –gone with the wind- fake Facebook and long distance phone calls, this time he was in Jordan for a week, and I was willing to make the most of it.

We went to Starbucks, grabbed some coffee and went for a walk, the date was a perfect 10, he knew how to carry on a conversation and had a sense of humor that was epic, he was a wonderful guy who spoke with a crazy stiff gulf accent. He kept explaining to me what he was trying to say, often, which was pretty cute. The date was going great, and like all other great dates, it just had to happen, the mishap! I just didn’t think It would be so big, or actually…  so expensive!

He stops me and looks me in the eye and tells me he likes me, and he thinks I am a great guy who he would love to see again when he is back in town, I was blushing. Then the color changed to a shade of WT*! He pointed to a beautiful vehicle that I could never in my life afford to fill up with gas let alone buy, he then tells me that when he leaves he will leave me the car, “I want you to have it” he says, looking at me like he was Santa in a very grown up and expensive sleigh! Asking me politely to be one of his reindeers, “and whenever you need money I want you to call me up and I will send you how much ever you need, In return, I come back to Jordan frequently and you come stay with me at my flat for the period I am here, I rarely stay more than 10 days or so every few months, what do you think?” and here I was thinking of a way to convince him to take the money for the coffee! I had never in my life been more mortified than at that moment, he was waiting for my very joyful reaction and endless excitement, and it was nowhere to be found, I thanked him for the coffee, turned around and walked away, I never heard from him again, and I never tried to contact him, after all, I am no Julia Roberts, and he just ain’t even close to being as classy as Mr. Gere!

#3 Playing date and go seek

This dreamboat is 21, a great man who will forever be taller than any man I’ve ever dated, it might be because he was taller than 2 meters or the fact that at 16 I was about 170 and back then my mother was still taller than me. Flirtation sneaked its way into our talks about everything, and after one month on our nightly phone calls we came to an agreement of meeting up the next day in Sports city, and so we did, or at least I did! I got there and he was nowhere to be found, “hey, I just got here, where are you?” asking while looking around hoping to get a glimpse of him, “could you walk to the intersection after gate number 4 ?” he says, “I am there, are you anywhere close?” “Oh great …” I was not prepared for what came out of his mouth “… could you jump so I could make sure that’s you?” I wish I could have tweeted this and hash-tagged it with a big WT*,  but since 6 years ago I didn’t know what twitter was or what a hashtag meant, I settled for saying it out loud, “don’t get mad” he says, “but I am hiding behind the bushes”, uncontrollable laughter escaped against my willpower and took away with it any shred of dignity left –behind the bushes- in him, I hung up.

He called again, and I just had to explain that I hung up to continue laughing, I was not brought up in a way that allowed me to hang up in a person’s face, “is this how the date is going to proceed? Because this is a first for me” “no ‘Habibie’ look, it’s just that you are sixteen and I am 21, I just thought you might be a policemen, the cops have been taking gay people into jail the past month and I was just worried” poor boy didn’t know that I wouldn’t be caught dead in any kind of uniform, “okay so which one are you, so I could tell you where I am?” “I am the one who’s jumping” what can I say, I took a ‘leap’ of faith, he then tells me to walk to my right and to stay on the phone, I agreed and walked, and then he asked me if I could see him, but after mistaking him for a giant wearing a big black jacket and looked so scary the hair on his head ran away, or maybe he was just bald, I got angry, I was running out of patience and time, “man I am standing right here, if you want to meet up, come over” and he did, it might have been his height, or the sunset playing with the color of his hair, or  maybe the fact that he was so cute, whatever the reason was, by the end of the date I had gone home with a smile on my face and text on my phone asking me if he can call me “his boyfriend”, and call me that he did, for 7 long months.

An episode of The Bold And The Beautiful entered my life when he said after hanging up the phone “God man I hate lying, I am not good at it, he now thinks I am having sex with a guy”, “well, I am sure it’s okay, does he know that you are gay?” …

#4 Desperately seeking bad boys

All I ever wanted as a teenager is to date the outcast, the rebel and God knows I have had my many shares of crushes on bad boys on and off TV! I personally blame many nights watching “A Walk To Remember” and wishing I would find my Landon Carter one day, and so it was only fate’s duty to hand over one for me at 18, but he was no Landon. We met through a mutual friend who used to be his coworker, this bad boy didn’t have the muscle car or the leather jacket, he was a different type of a bad boy, the real kind; hardcore bad, the kind you stay away from, I should have known it would be trouble since just the name of where he lived flashed a red ‘warning ‘sign! He was all I ever wanted, tall, sexy, with a firm handshake…

The day we met I drove off to get him, further than I ever went. When I got there, I stood outside my car, smoked my cigarette, and before I put it out, there he was, he came and brought with him his two big flaws, they weren’t really that hard to see, after all, his flaws were his two “friends” who never seemed to leave us! Whether it was in my car, or if we go out to walk, they’re always there! I thought it would only be that one time but the next date was the same, and the one after…. and I had it up to my split-ends by that time, and I asked him “I am sorry, but do your friends have to always be out with us ?” I was not rude or anything, he asked them to wait outside till we finish talking, he then went on to explain why they were so necessary, “the thing is, a while ago me and my brother got in a huge fight with a few guys around here because my brother hit one of them with his car when he was drunk and then a big fight built up to a bigger fight, and so these two guys are my friends, but for the time being you can call them ‘body guards’, not that anything might happen but just in case” I Sh** you not, his attitude was so cavalier towards the fact that vindictive people were after him that it scared me, and It should have sent me running towards the hills, but honestly it was also kind of a turn on, I had my own bad boy, and no one was going to stop me from enjoying him.

It ended after a short while, because apparently and thank God I had good friends who worried about me enough to intervene, but till this day I look back and wonder where in God’s name do I find these men?”