عربي

Words by Mohammad Nasralla 
Photographs by Hadi Moussally 
Translations by Hiba Moustafa

Masurbation is something we often do in secret … 

This article will tackle the topic of masturbation to understand why it is such a taboo topic  and how it is related to our sexual lives, whether we have sexual partners or not. The article also aims to understand how people with non-normative sexual and/or gender identities may experience masturbation differently. 

Three friends shared their experiences with us: Malikah, a woman who has been in an exclusive marriage for four years; Qusai, a single gay Jordanian young man; and Luluah, who identifies as a transgender woman. In our conversations, they shared their experiences and feelings so that we could better understand how people who lead different lives and have different sexual identities experience masturbation physically, psychologically, and socially. 

Photographs by Hadi Moussally 

Malikah*

Malikah is a 35-year old woman who has been in an exclusive marriage for four years. She thinks of herself as someone who masturbates moderately, and she likes to do it for several reasons. 

For her, masturbation has nothing to do with whether one has a sexual partner or not; she masturbates as frequently as she used to before her marriage. She said it gives her a secretive pleasure that she cannot share with her husband, and that she associates it with porn. She can never tell her husband that she’s bisexual for several reasons, the most important being that she doesn’t feel like disclosing her orientation to him. 

Malikah shared that she does not masturbate or watch porn because of a lack of sexual intimacy – she orgasms with her husband and shares somewhat enjoyable sexual experiences with him. She likes to watch porn that matches her tastes and satisfies her other sexual desires. She explains,“I love rough sex a lot. More than a lot. But I’d never tell my husband about my fetish. He can get it all wrong or mix things up and hurt me out of the bedroom. I can do without this fuss, particularly that he’s his mama’s boy and tells her about everything that happens between us.” Malikah’s marriage is a traditional one and, according to her, she and her husband never discuss sex. So, for her, masturbation is a way to pamper herself and connect with her body. 

Before marriage, Malikah had no guilt whatsoever about masturbating. But, after marriage, she initially felt guilty about masturbating. “I felt as if something was wrong, as if I were offending my husband or cheating on him. But, with time, this feeling disappeared and I felt like it wasn’t such a big deal to have my own sexual life that my husband knew nothing about. After all, I don’t have to give a full report to my husband about what I like. He must have his private affairs, too, which I cannot even start to imagine.” 

“Sometimes I masturbate heavily in a certain week and it makes me happy. It vents the pressure and satisfies my sexual needs without having to meet someone or find someone on Grindr and all that fuss. But I also feel that it’s harmful … I don’t know why, but I feel guilt often.”

Photographs by Hadi Moussally 

Qusai*

Qusai is a gay Jordanian young man in his late twenties who is “somewhat” sexually active. When we asked him about masturbation, his response suggested that it caused him anxiety on several levels. Firstly, he feels guilty when he masturbates extensively at a given period, believing that it may have an adverse impact on his health. He said, “Sometimes I masturbate heavily in a certain week and it makes me happy. It vents the pressure and satisfies my sexual needs without having to meet someone or find someone on Grindr and all that fuss. But I also feel that it’s harmful … I don’t know why, but I feel guilt often.” Qusai does not give me any definitive or convincing information about the harms of masturbation, but he described his feelings of guilt as unjustified. 

In addition to his concern for his health, Qusai feels sad when he masturbates. He thinks that people in relationships don’t have to masturbate and that masturbation is only for people who cannot find a partner. “What am I missing to be able to cum *with* another person? Why don’t I have a boyfriend so I don’t have to masturbate to cum like a teenager?”  Here, Qusai links masturbation with sexual desperation, and suggests that he doesn’t feel comfortable having sex with random people with whom he doesn’t share a connection. 

 Although he has never been in a relationship, Qusai considers not masturbating to be one of the ‘expectations’ he has about relationships – he sees masturbation as something for teenagers or single people.

“Now, I’m a fully transitioned woman except for my penis; I still have it and probably will not get rid of it.”

 

Photographs by Hadi Moussally 

Luluah*

Luluah is a transgender woman who identifies as a “woman with a penis.” She loves her body and likes to communicate with it. Sometimes, she enjoys masturbation more than she does her sexual relationships. For her, having a penis defines neither her femininity nor her masculinity, “Now, I’m a fully transitioned woman except for my penis; I still have it and probably will not get rid of it.” She feels that masturbation is not about femininity or masculinity, and that having a penis doesn’t hinder her enjoying masturbation.

As for feelings of guilt, Luluah used to have them as a teenager, when masturbation was associated with halal (what is permissible) and haram (what is prohibited). But at the beginning of her transition, she felt strange that she had the body of a woman but masturbated like a man. This feeling didn’t last long; with time and effort, she came to terms with having a penis. She believes that manhood and womanhood are different from our biological sex or genitalia, and is comfortable in her own skin as a feminine woman who has a penis with which she masturbates. 

Masturbation, even in its name, seems like something that should be kept a secret or something that we must not talk about openly. Many feelings hide within it; in Arabic, masturbation is sometimes called ‘al-ʿādh al-srīh,’ literally the secret practice (or habit). 

Experiences and attitudes about masturbation differ greatly from one person to another. These brief talks show that, for some, it is a bad substitute for relationships or something for teenagers only, and, for others it is something important that one cannot just give up because they have a sexual partner – it is a safe haven where we can enjoy the kind of sexual desires that cannot be divulged to our sexual partners. Though masturbation is often discussed as a male issue or activity, we see that it is something that almost everyone can enjoy and get pleasure from. 


* Names have been changed