Interviews by: Aida Salander
This article is part of the “Marriage and Weddings” issue
In honor of love, we share the stories of four couples from different cultures and backgrounds who have found their way in love and marriage.
Nicolas & Javier
Singer Nicolas Chalhoub was entering a bar in Mallorca when he met Javier going out from the same bar. Things got serious very quickly.
Images of Nicolas and Javier at their wedding. Courtesy of the couple.
(Answered by Nicolas)
How did you meet? Were you friends or did you start dating immediately after meeting?
We met at the door of a pub, I was going to enter and he was going out, and the “match” happened. We tried to be friends at the beginning but things were leading us somewhere else. We met several times and talked about work, life, etc. One month later things got even more serious and we fell in love.
Did you get to celebrate your wedding?
Yes we did. It was a lovely day, we celebrated it in a hotel in Palma de Mallorca, with all his family and friends, and of course from my side. I don’t have my people here, only my brother and a Lebanese friend living in Milano, but they came to support me and celebrate with us this day. It was a very long mid-day wedding that started at noon and finished at 5am the next day!
Did you tell your parents and how did you tell them? How did they react?
I did not tell them. I wanted to talk about my wedding but not during the honeymoon. But, Mr. Facebook recognized my face and tagged me in a photo of some friends. It showed up on my timeline and I woke up to see someone from my family had commented with an angry face on the photo… my immediate decision was to share this photo as a profile pic and to make my declaration a few days earlier.
My father’s family were sad and angry, especially the religious ones. But I understand them.This is what they were taught out whole lives.My close family refused me, and we have not spoken since. My cousins messaged me later on to support and to say that my happiness is priority.
Why did you marry? Did you marry because of circumstances (ie. paperwork, immigration…), out of love, or both?
Interesting question. For sure OUT OF LOVE. When we got married, I had residency, so I did not need to get married to stay in Spain. But, for sure, residency is not like citizenship. So we were both conscious that it is an important procedure for me living here and having businesses. Maybe if I were European, I might not have married after just 1 year.
Did you adopt a certain tradition in your wedding? Would you if you did it again?
Not exactly, but my friend and brother couldn’t leave it without a zalghouta! Other than that, I would have liked to have my close friends and relatives with me.
How did your relationship change after marriage, how did it affect your sex life?
Like any married couple, everyday life is not so easy, especially when the couple is from different cultures and habits. But love can solve anything. People aren’t static. We change and the goal of any couple is to keep on discovering the new partner everyday. Speaking about sex life, there is more confidence, more intimicy. It is great.
Was a piece of paper from the State necessary and why?
It was necessary for me because it’s saying in front of everyone on this earth that you are normal, you are respectefd, and it’s ok to be gay. It was even more important to face first my internalized homophobia after living in a homophobic Arab society, and to liberate my soul and mind from it. I am now so happy being accepted by myself and by the society where I live.
If pologamy is legal, would you do it?
I don’t think, I mean, I’m sure that I wouldn’t do it. I am a classic person, and until now I can neither be shared nor share.
What do you think of unconventional relationships, like poloyamours relationship?
I respect everyone’s choice; we were born to be free, and we can do whatever we like or feel or love to do. Now more than ever, life is too short to think about the other’s opinion and approval on our decisions.
Hilal & Mathieu
Hilal and Mathieu connected four months after they met on a dating app, and got married one year later.
Photos by: Mohamad Abdouni
During Hilal and Mathieu’s marriage ceremony
Note: images taken with a disposable camera in 2015
(Answered by Mathieu)
How did you meet? Were you friends or did you start dating immediately after meeting?
We met via the dating application Scruff. I was home sitting for friends who left for holidays, and Hilal was around. We started talking on the app in August and we met in November. Our first date was on December 3rd, 2013.
Did you get to celebrate your wedding?
We had two celebrations for our wedding. We had the “legal” wedding in the United States in May 2014, and that was more for administrative reasons. Then, we had the “real” wedding ceremony in May 2015 in France. It was such a beautiful ceremony on a Saturday afternoon. Our friends and family were present, and the ceremony was officiated by our Imam. We were dressed by a Lebanese friend of ours who is a fashion designer in Beirut, and our friends from Lebanon and New York also came to the wedding. Then, we had a party in Café-tomate (11ème arrondissement). Our friends in Paris are well connected to the community and they helped us finding this venue owned by a lesbian couple.
Did you tell your parents and how did you tell them? How did they react?
Mathieu did tell his parents. They always supported him. We got married quite quickly so they were surprised but they were very present, emotional and happy.
Why did you marry? Did you marry because of circumstances (ie. paperwork, immigration), out of love, or both?
We were a real couple. My visa was expiring but we didn’t get married for the papers, at least not only for the papers. Since the day we met, Hilal was sure that he wanted to be with me forever. Of course, in the US, immigration issues pushed us to the decision of getting married. But the real wedding for us was in Paris.
Did you adopt a certain tradition in your wedding? Would you if you did it again?
Well, traditionally, we were the last ones to enter the room full of people. It was so emotional and everything made us feel like it was like any other traditional wedding: we entered dancing the Dabke, the presence of our Imam, our outfits, the wedding rings with arabic transcriptions on them.
How did your relationship change after marriage, how did it affect your sex life? How did marriage affect your social life and circles?
No at all. We remained the same. Our social life is very important, we often see our Lebanese and French friends. We try to go to France twice a year to see our friends and family there, and Hilal travels to Lebanon for his family and friends as well.
Maybe we are going out a bit less than 5 years ago, but we wouldn’t say that it’s a result of our gay wedding. We are both very busy with our careers and professional lives.
Being married is a commitment. Life isn’t easy, and the fact of being married doesn’t necessarily change that. Honestly, we might get into conflict because we both have strong personalities. Being married and committed to each other implies being open to the idea of listening to each other and trying to understand.
Dave & Lionel
Dave*, Tunisian transman refugee in Brussels, got married to his partner, Lionel*, in August 2020. Many of their plans changed due to COVID19.
Photos by: Giorgio Kavadias
During Dave and Lionel’s marriage ceremony in 2020
(Answered by Dave)
How did you meet?
We met on Tinder, then we talked on Whatsapp and we had our first date in a bar.
Did you get to celebrate your wedding?
We celebrated our engagement. We were at a stage of our relationship where we saw each other every day and we were together almost all the time, and we started to think that we wanted to settle down together and start a family. We actually had many discussions before we got to this stage and there was a lot of communication and projection into the future. So he proposed. I said, yes, and we moved in together.
We finally got to celebrate the wedding on August 29th. We started by the civil wedding in the morning, then we invited some of the guests for lunch to a restaurant, where they had the chance to make some toasts in our honor. Then we proceeded to the church and had our second ceremony. Even though we didn’t have the chance to have the big wedding that everyone’s dreams of because of Covid-19 situation, both ceremonies were emotional and I will cherish this day to ever in my memory.
Did you tell your parents and how did you tell them? How did they react?
I told them I met a man and that we are getting married and starting a family. Lionel spoke with my mother online and asked for my hand (as in our traditions), she gave us her blessing. He was supposed to travel to Tunisia to meet her but Covid-19 happened and it prevented him from going there but also prevented my mother from coming to the wedding. When I announced it to my family, they were at first very surprised because they didn’t know I dated guys. I haven’t come out as a transman in Tunisia yet.
Did you adopt a certain tradition in your wedding? Would you if you did it again?
We certainly did! I come from a Tunisian background, and of course I had to adopt certain traditions that are close to my heart. My mother back home repainted the house and changed the curtains, and she invited her brothers and sisters. Also, back home the groom has to have a type of bachelor party where the guests do Henna to him. I had my friends coming from all over Europe and we did the henna ceremony. Not only that, the groom is also forbidden from dressing himself the day of his wedding and his closest friends must do this honor. It’s a tradition that I also wanted to include in my wedding because it’s simply fun. Unfortunately, again, we had a restricted guest list due to the Covid-19 restrictions.
How did marriage affect your social life and circles?
I don’t have much time anymore to go to clubs and parties. He is more into restaurants, golf, rambles, picnics, walking by the beach and chilling in nature… I am trying to create a balance. I still go out with friends (although not as much as before), but we also created a common group of friends who we go to restaurants and nights out with. These friends are also married, some of the them are LGBT but they are mostly heterosexual.
Ahmad & Tom
Ahmad* and Tom* met in Amman back in October 2014 and had a totally unplanned wedding three years later in San Francisco. This year, they adopted a dog and she’s been a great addition to their family.
Image of a flowers the couple has gotten after their marriage ceremony at city hall. Courtesy of the couple.
(Answered by Ahmad)
How did you meet? Were you friends or did you start dating immediately after meeting?
We met at a bar, we were both friends of friends that ended up at the same table. We started officially dating two months after that.
Did you get to celebrate your wedding?
We had a low-key celebration with 8 friends who happened to be in the same city. We decorated the house with white roses and balloons, had champaign and long talks, then hit the club for the rest of the night.
Did you tell your parents and how did you tell them? How did they react?
I didn’t tell them. I mean I did… three years later. It was of course a big shock and a disappointment, and we’re still working our way through it. We told his family the second we left the courthouse and they were very happy for us… so happy that they hosted a little reception for close friends when we went to visit a month after.
Why did you marry? Did you marry because of circumstances (ie. paperwork, immigration), out of love, or both?
Of course we loved each other very much back then and talked about marriage, it was going to end up in marriage anyways. But at that time 3 years ago, we did it for necessary paperwork.
Did you adopt a certain tradition in your wedding? Would you if you did it again?
No tradition. It was the both of us at the courthouse, and he actually had to go to work afterwards. We would’ve loved to have gathered around family members from both sides to share toast, speeches, and maybe to see both our families get together.
How did your relationship change after marriage, how did it affect your sex life?
We both definitely got a little bit more comfortable around each other, and the little worries of uncertainty just kind of dissolved. I would say that we both got rid of some of the traditions that we’d carried along from our different cultures, and started creating our own. It’s like when you take off your shoes before walking into a house. You still love your shoes and will definitely wear them over and over again, but they don’t belong in your household… they belong in the outside world. Sex life hasn’t changed, maybe goes back to getting more comfortable and less judgmental.
How did marriage affect your social life and circles?
Oufff… lots of gay friends kind of moved away, from my (Arab) side at least. I’m not sure if it’s because we got married or because we moved out, but it felt like I became some sort of an alien because I dared to do it. We still have our special friends and separate quality time with them, but we share most of our new friends. It’s great for house gatherings.
What do you think of unconventional relationships, like poloyamours relationship?
We think they’re great as long as BOTH PARTIES are aware, honest, direct, and IN IT. This isn’t a business deal. You might’ve never thought you’d be into it, but lately discovered that you’d like to try it, talk about it with your partner. Openness and transparency in these matters and very important ingredients. Don’t keep it bottled up and process it on your own, because you’ll explode and then there won’t be another option. The moment you both start wanting two completely different things is a red flag that this marriage is coming to an end.
*Names have been changed